Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
birth control should be required to get into college
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
