Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
