this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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