Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
where am i from again
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
