in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
