wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
