There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
