Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
