Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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