3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
