I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Congratulations! We have a period
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