bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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