Where is the hickey?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
