My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
