Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
