My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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