If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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