What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
