I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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