i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
