He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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