Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
