I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
