I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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