I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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