I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Come see our sink grown plant.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
