this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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