Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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