Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I didn't shave. On purpose
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Someone signed my nipple.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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