3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
