I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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