apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
