I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
