My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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