We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
