i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
