i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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