i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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