Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
