my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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