You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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