just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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