Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
