Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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