I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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