I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
