Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
