My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i've created a new STD.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
