listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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