i think i scared a bird with my dick
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
