Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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