Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
